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HUMOUR AND JOKES.

THERE IS NO SENIOR DISCOUNT

THERE IS NO SENIOR DISCOUNT FOR READING THIS!!!

LYING AROUND, PONDERING THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD,
I REALIZED THAT AT MY AGE I DON'T REALLY GIVE A RAT'S ASS ANYMORE.

IF WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE POSTMAN WOULD BE IMMORTAL.

A WHALE SWIMS ALL DAY, ONLY EATS FISH, AND DRINKS WATER, BUT IS STILL FAT.

A RABBIT RUNS AND HOPS AND ONLY LIVES 15 YEARS, WHILE A TORTOISE DOESN'T RUN AND DOES MOSTLY NOTHING, YET IT LIVES FOR 150 YEARS. AND THEY TELL US TO EXERCISE? I DON'T THINK SO.

NOW THAT I'M OLDER, HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED:

1. I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING, AND I STILL HAVE MOST OF IT.

2. MY WILD OATS ARE MOSTLY ENJOYED WITH PRUNES AND ALL-BRAN.

3. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

4. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

5. IF ALL IS NOT LOST, THEN WHERE THE HECK IS IT?

6. IT WAS A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO GET OLDER THAN IT WAS TO GET WISER.

7. SOME DAYS, YOU'RE THE TOP DOG, SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE HYDRANT.

8. I WISH THE BUCK REALLY DID STOP HERE, I SURE COULD USE A FEW OF THEM.

9. KIDS IN THE BACKSEAT CAUSE ACCIDENTS.

10. ACCIDENTS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE KIDS.

11. IT IS HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE.

12. THE WORLD ONLY BEATS A PATH TO YOUR DOOR WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM.

13. IF GOD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES, HE'D HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES.

14. WHEN I'M FINALLY HOLDING ALL THE RIGHT CARDS, EVERYONE WANTS TO PLAY CHESS.

15. IT IS NOT HARD TO MEET EXPENSES...THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.

16. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUT AND A GRAVE IS THE DEPTH.

17. THESE DAYS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER. . .

17A. I GO SOMEWHERE TO GET SOMETHING, AND THEN WONDER WHAT I'M "HERE AFTER".

18. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

19. IT IS A LOT BETTER TO BE SEEN THAN VIEWED.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE???...OR DID I GET IT FROM YOU?



SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE SO SICK I WANT TO COMIT TO COMENT OR VOMIT


I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
2. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."
3. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
4. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said "Thanks."
I said "Don't mention it."
5. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
6. I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
8. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
9. My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."
10. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
11. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Is it one or two? One... or two?
12. What do we want?
Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.
13. So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.
14. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.
15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
16. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
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17. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
18. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
19. Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
20. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
21. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
22. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said "40."
23. I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.
24. I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.